My Blog

the princess just dies coz i know better now!

For this year, i have decided to be a new person. I no longer want to be wishing that i become a princess to a prince.. i no longer want my happiness to be dependent on someone else but to God alone. While i am struggling to find my way into this new self, I am blessed with a lot of friends who support me and love me. For this, I swore that I will always seek God through continuous prayers and devotion. Reading the Bible never failed to surprise me. I always thought that I know a lot already but each time I read the Scripture, I discover someone new about this life. Each morning, I admit however, that I still feel the pain in my heart, it aches and reverberates. But the acceptance of the pain makes it easier to bare. I have accepted the tragedy of my life and I am looking forward to that day that I no longer have to dread my past. I'm casting all my cares to Him, as they say. Besides, these experiences make me. These experiences were also the ones who made me a stronger person. These experiences remind me of how God rescued me from the pains. Someday, I will use these experiences to inspire other people who may encounter the same thing. And I know that that someday is soon approaching.

I have learned in psychology that labels affect a person's behavior. Perhaps, calling myself princess had done me no good. It just made me a wishful thinker. I want to be someone strong, independer but still soft and sweet as I am. My friend said, my icon could be an angel instead. And yeah. That's it. An angel. That's my mission this year. I would forget about going after my dreams but I will help people go after theirs. I have realized that loving myself doesn't make sense to me because it is really not a big thing for me. I always want to love and feel needed. I just gave it to the wrong persons, that's why. So now I will be for everyone who needs me. About me and my dreams, God will take care of it as long as I give Him glory with what I do.

For my new self, I also plan to be single and wait. Be single until I am confident enough to say that I am strong enough and I have discovered myself already. And yes, I would want the next to be the last. So I really have to be sure of my decision. To be patient while making my heart rest and restore itself. Besides, when God gives me His will, I want to be prepared to love him without carrying fears and aches of the past. So now is really not the time for that. An angel does not concern itself with falling in love, just with glorifying God and doing His will. That's who I will be!

This is it! A new self for the new year!!!! Cheers!!

bigger box of memories

for those of my friends who would want to know what happened, im gonna narrate it here na lng.. prang ndi ko na kasi kayang magkwento dahil everytime i do, i just keep on reliving the pain.

it was really one of our romantic days.. like our second date, we walked around UP and then when we reached sunken garden we just sat at one of the trees near educ. He said i was beautiful every now and then.. i know i did.. i prepared for our date..It was a breezy and cold afternoon.. all the more it became romantic. we just looked at the kids playing soccer.. laughed some.. kept silent.. even talked about wedding proposals.. and stuff... as i would always do.. i told myself that i really want him to be my husband.. i thought that i knew that what we had was it. that it would last.... he said he'll bring me home.. it was rare that he said that.. i was really happy.. he even asked me how i was feeling.. i said i was happy. when i asked why, he refused to answer me. Again, he looked at me with those eyes i loved and said i was really beautiful..he even wanted to take a picture of me but then it was awkward coz we were in the jeep. It was funny because on the way home, in the jeep, when we were supposed to go down already, sabi ng konduktor, "oh pababain na ung ikakasal bukas".. i was laughing at the same time i was kilig.. i said that we should just walk to our street.. when we were near my house.. i thanked him... like i always do when he makes me really happy.. at first, he did not want to go to my house to say hi to my dad who happened to be there.. but then i said he was ruining it if he wont.. so he did.. my dad left soon.. i hugged him.. just a quick one coz we dont want PDA.. i tried to steal kisses.. he jerked his face away... i thought that maybe he jst didnt want my sister to see us..he was texting his sister.. and that time he was feeling uneasy.. i thought there was just some family problem or something. then he said.. di mo bko ihahatid? i was really feeling weird about it because inihatid nya nga ako then he wants me to come with him again..he was silent and uneasy.. i asked him how i cant make him happy. i hate it when i see him sad.. we stopped walking on when we reached the next street.. and then he said it.. "im breaking up with you.." i laughed at first.. how come? i was happy.. super happy.. we were happy........................................ he said he's a player.... yeah i know we would joke about it.. no.. for real.. this time.. he said i dont deserve him and i was perfect.. i said that reason wont suffice.. he said he has a girlfriend.. and that he loves her... and he's happy with her... and then i asked if he loves me.. he said no................................. i covered my face and cried at hard as i could.. i could not take the pain... it was too much to bear... he walked away. i said wait... i realized that if that's gonna be the last time he'd see me.. i want him to remember my smile.. i tried so hard to smile.. wiped away my tears.. held his hands and said.. masaya ka db.. he said yes.. then go... at that point he cried already.. he said it wasnt easy for him as well because........ He DID love me... DID.. and that's the part where i walked away..

here's the part about how i feel..

ive tried to hard to be the best gf for him.. i have sacrified even my own happiness for him.. i adjusted for him... i said.. ok.. im gonna wait till he's ready to be a real bf to me.. yea.. there was no effort.. but i didnt care coz everytime id see his eyes.. i thought that it was well worth it.. his eyes showed me how much he loved me... he even said once that we'd get married after 5 years.. my future have been built around him..... he was my life... even my wednesday's is for him.. i call it my 5 units of bf... i love him.... i really do.. i love him like i have never loved before..... ang sakit... it's so hard to accept that when he cried when we broke up.. its not because he loves me but it was because of the guilt and awa... i need his love........... i need him...

now im still fighting this.. im scared to be alone.... ive never been alone in a long time... i love him.. i want to shout with every voice i have and say how much i love him.. i love him... i love him like im not gonna learn to love anyone else again....

but then he does not love me anymore... what now?

somethings things i can never have..

they say, there are some things in life that, no matter what you do, you really can't get.. they also say, you can't have everything..

sna sinabi na lng din nila na you can't have anything that you want most.. kasi parang ganun naman eh.. cguro kasi too much want of it is bad?

in everything, i always try to give the best i can.. even if it's hurting me.. whatever risk it may ask me to take.. ive been doing it for my whole life and yet it seems that it's still not enough..

isa lng naman ang gusto ko.. ='(

i'm tired of hoping.. i'm tired of getting disappointed..

di naman din ako abuso manghingi... just that... ='(

kahit ung pulubi kayang makuha un.. kahit ung sadista kayang kaya din e..

shit... ang life...

cgro totoo.. life begins death.. wah.

sleepover!!!

It was surprisingly tiring! Thanx nikki for the  place, kuya ni nikki and dad ni nikki for the ride.. it was so fun!! i miss spending time with my high school barkada.  we were only 5 who made it though.. (eloise, nikki, cake, katfer and me) .. pero ayos lng din, sulit pa din pagpunta =D

we went swimming, ay cla lng pla, grr.. hehe... we took a lot of pictures!! hehe.. khit o.p ako at nka swim wear cla lahat! hehe.. we took some video clips as well.. mga instructional video of synchronized swimming by cake and nikki.. heheh... kiss/suso poses.. haha.. seductive kuno.. hehe.. haayy...

and then afterwards, we went back to the unit to take a shower, more kwentos...and then more picturessssssss.. and then we went down to the mall, rob manila (by the way, we were staying in rob place manila :> ) we had dinner at tokyo tokyo.. then we went window shopping! exept for eloise who bought 2 pairs of shoes! it was a good deal nmn kc nga sale.. grbeng pigil!!! we went to people are people, mango... and guess.. where a memorable moment between me and kat took place! hahahahaha... =)

i was looking around and then i saw this one sky blue shirt with a print, love. hehe.. as a hopeless romantic person that i am, i started to emote and look blankly.. i was about to reminisce my most recent love life, when suddenly, kat popped my infalating thought-balloon! hehe.. but yeah she was right.. no more room for that, it's time to shop around!! after window shopping, we went to the grocery to buy some midnight snacks and some drinks (sarap ng vodka cruiser tlg!!) and breakfast for the following mrng.. =)

when we went back to the unit, that was the time we started sharing.. sobrang saya.. there was really a lot to catch up on. i was glad that all of us were strong to face those rough roads in life... dalaga na kme.. hehe..

at 2:30am.. our eyes started to shut down.. cake still whisphering a bit... hehe...

mrng came. we dressed up and then went to the 7th flr, took pictures agn!! a lot of pictures!! then went down to have lunch at sbarro..... then some more window shopping at rustans....... (more self-control***) hehe

then we went back to the unit where we met nikki's dad.. then it was time to leave.. (aww.. )

on the way home, we were all sowwwww tired and sleepy...........................................................

nikki dropped us at mcdo katip.. i went to kat's house and waited for my sundo... talked a bit abt something, only kat and i should know, hehe... un...

sobrang sabog ko.. pero inside sobrang i felt like i was rejuvinated! =)

trivia: how many pictures did we take?

answer: 80!!!! ahahahahhaha... =) grabehang photo shoot!!!!

when will i stop wishing...

it's the only thing i've wished for... it made me take risks i couldn't imagine myself taking before... i have given everything for it and is still willing to... or i don't know anymore... how many times do i have to sacrifice my heart for this one.. how many more scars do i have to give myself before that wish finally comes true.. how many more tears do i have to shed for that magic to stay forever... how many more damage... how many more heartaches....

when will I stop wishing... or should i?

new heartbeat.. :)

my heart's beating for someone new..... :) and im so damn happy with it. :) if that person could only hear it.... *sigh*

it's over!

summer is officially over!! sigh.. too bad.. i wanted to do a lot of things pa naman sna.. one of which is to have driving lessons! kaso.. err.. dme hadlang!! im gonna ba stressed again.. no more complete sleep.. no more tv! hmm.. but.. looking at the bright side of it.. atleast im out of my comfort zones already. no more all girls and tric. im about to start a new life ... diverse people to interact with and learn from. different things to try out.. it's certain that it's a harder life im facing but.. harder only means better in this life so why not?! oh well.. para akong nkablind fold. wla akong alam..dko lam san ako dadalhin bakit kelangan wla ako mkta.. pero... oops! my surprise party pla ako. hehe.. :> saya db?! that's how i see it.. ganun nmn tayo lhat eh. db. kya ngayong pasukan. tayo'y magsaya! :> do the funk! hehe.. :>

yey!! ;p

yey i already have one!! hehe... ang saya.... hmmm..... i dont know what to talk about yet... so there i guess id just have to bid goodbye!! :)

nga pla.. that's a pic of my friends. jodee, cake and mina!!

i just tried to insert a pic!! hehe..